No matter what it is in life, as we gain experience with something, there are lessons we learned along the way. Sometimes those little lessons that are acquired by experience, people keep inside and do not always share as though they are a secret or a bit of knowledge they feel must be learned the hard way, as they have learned them. Thinking back on some of the things discovered on my journey in D/S, some challenges could have been or should have been talked about rather than discovered. D/S is not a place where educational experiences should be withheld like a state secret. So with that in mind, here are ten thoughts to assist those who are newer or perhaps even give food for thought to the more experienced:
1. Acceptance is not easy.
This is not what may happen when you share with a vanilla friend or confidant that you are involved in the lifestyle or that you are exploring the lifestyle, although it does take an amazing vanilla friend/confidant to accept and support lifestyle choices. If you decide to tell someone, how will they react? Will they withdraw from the friendship, look at you very differently going forward, or be unable to understand? While those are certainly challenges with acceptance, the highest hurdle to clear is recognizing and accepting that D/S was something personally needed and going forward will be a must-have for any future romantic relationships. Once you can accept this about yourself, it will make the rest of your journey so much easier. It will help put to rest those voices in the back of your mind that tell you that you are weird, strange, or somehow less deserving because of D/S. Acceptance will help bring you comfort and peace.
2. Finding a real D/S relationship is harder than you think it will be.
Even if you are a romantic who believes in love no matter what life has brought through its twists and turns, has brought, sometimes we need to temper our romantic ideals with a dose of reality. We all know that dating, even vanilla courtships, is tough, but when we make the decision that D/S must be part of the wooing waltz, the pool of partners shrinks. A lesson I have learned, the hard way, is that it is always better to be unattached than in a relationship with someone who does not have potential as a long-term partner if a lasting relationship is an aspiration.
3. Balancing life with the lifestyle.
Life always has a way to make us busier than perhaps we want to be. One of the challenges of a D/S relationship is blending it with that always busy and pressuring vanilla world. It can be very easy to have the lifestyle slip away as the real world squeezes away at a partnership. It takes work from both sides of the slash to keep the lifestyle growing and thriving in the face of these pressures.
4. Staying consistent.
Another hard-way lesson is that dominants must be consistent with their leadership, and the same is true for the other side of the slash, as s-types must be consistent in their service. Life can always provide a million valid reasons to let something slip, but a D/S partnership needs unwavering dedication from each partner.
5. Building trust takes time.
It is still great to have confidence in a person who is newer to your life, but no matter how awesome this person handles your initial confidence in them, trust, real trust, takes time to create, build, and blossom. Trust is a pillar of lifestyle relationships, and if you want to be trusted, you must give trust.
6. Bad actors are on all sides of the lifestyle.
Inexperience tends to cloud vision a bit, and it is easy to have the mistaken view that bad apples are on the D side of the slash and that bad behavior by s-types is the result of poor leadership from dominants. Sadly, wicked people come in all roles and genders. While most likely the percentage of these people is higher on the d side, staying safe requires being cautious when getting to know someone, no matter the lifestyle role, or gender they identify with.
7. Thoughts and desires evolve as you grow.
The deeper you delve into the lifestyle, things that were on a list of hard limits may migrate to soft ones, with perhaps even a few becoming, WOW, I enjoy this. Things change as you grow in D/S, and while no one can predict how your thoughts will evolve, remember that it is important to not yuck on others’ yum, and while there are unsafe ways to practice the lifestyle, there is no wrong way, so what works for one person does not mean that it applies to others. In other words, there is no one true way in D/S.
8. Know what you do not know.
Fake it until you make it is a saying that all of us have heard at some point, and many dominants and submissives have performed a touch of this early in their D/S journey. Rather than fess up, that they do not know what something is or how to do it, people fall back to a Google search. A better, as well as a metric poop ton, safer thing to say is “This is new to me, tell me about it” or “I have not done that before, but I would enjoy learning”. Faking it can result in hurting someone or you being injured. Be honest about what you know and what you do not.
9. Make the lifestyle your own.
When people are new to the lifestyle, they may struggle with the idea that they have to fit into a certain mold or style of D/S. The more you learn about the lifestyle, you will come to understand that everything here is very individualistic and that what works for you is not going to be a fit for anyone but yourself. Feel free to take bits of what you like from over there and pieces of other ideas and combine them to make it all your own. D/S allows all of us to craft our thoughts and relationships for what fits us uniquely rather than being a giant monolith.
10. It will make you a better person.
Through the ups and even the downs of your trip into D/S, the experiences you had and look forward to having, all will make you a better individual overall, not just in the lifestyle. D/S serves as a great reminder of the importance of keeping an open mind and that even those who do things differently from you can provide a great opportunity to learn. Also, the lifestyle may help show you the importance of standing up when you see something that is misguided or harmful. Considering setting the goal of striving to be a better person tomorrow than you are today, and amazingly, D/S will be an important tool in being your best self. What is something that you have discovered in your journey in the lifestyle that has surprised you?