Consent is one of those subjects that seems like it should be a no-brainer, especially in and around BDSM but data from the National Coalition For Sexual Freedom reports over 25% of people have had their consent violated in the community.* With consent so basic and expected in BDSM, join me in discussing consent, FRIES (Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific) and endeavor to drastically reduce the number of consent violations.
Consent must be freely given: This means everyone involved is making a genuine choice without any pressure or manipulation. The desire to participate must come from a place of free will.
Freely given (Done Wrong):
Danny Domination keeps asking to use his new paddle and flogger on Susie Submissive. Susie is not interested, but eventually says yes just to make Danny happy. Susie would rather not, but feels backed into it. This is not freely given, it is said to avoid conflict and stop the endless pestering, not because they wanted it.
Freely given (Done Right):
Danny Domination is showing Susie Submissive his new paddle and flogger and asks to use them on her. Susie says “No, I am not into paddles.” Danny says, “Alright.” Nothing changes between them. Susie does love floggers, so she says “We can use just the flogger.” This is freely given. It starts with a clear no that is respected, and a yes that comes from personal choice.
Second, it is reversible. Anyone has the right to stop at any point, no matter what. The ability to change one’s mind is essential.
Not Reversible (Done Wrong):
Danny starts using a blindfold and ties with Susie during play as they had agreed to beforehand. After a few minutes, Susie says she is feeling claustrophobic and asks to stop. Danny rolls his eyes and says, “We are already in the middle of this, you agreed to it, just relax and go with it.” Susie stays quiet, unsure what to do, and fearful of letting Danny down. This is not reversible.
Reversible (Done Right):
Danny and Susie agree to add a blindfold to some bondage play. After a few minutes, Susie says, “I am feeling claustrophobic. Can we stop?” Danny responds immediately, “Of course,” and removes the blindfold while untying her. They shift to cuddling and talk about what felt off. That is reversible. Susie changed her mind, and it was respected without hesitation or guilt-tripping.
Third, consent must be informed. Everyone involved should clearly understand what activities, risks, and boundaries are being discussed and agreed upon. Open and honest communication about limits and expectations is vital before anything happens.
Not Informed (Done Wrong):
Danny and Suzie agree to a scene involving a flogger. Danny briefly mentions that he wants to leave marks (he is thinking bruises) but does not explain what kind of marks, how much force he will use, or the possible sensations involved. Suzie, not fully understanding the potential intensity, assumes he means some light pink coloration like they did before and agrees. During play, Danny uses more force than expected, and Suzie is startled by the pain and the bruises on her skin. Afterward, Suzie feels angry and wishes she had known how intense it would be. This is not informed consent as Danny did not provide enough information for Suzie to make an informed, educated decision about what was planned.
Informed (Done Right):
Before the scene, Danny talks to Suzie about using a flogger. He explains that he wants to leave marks, preferably bruises this time and the intensity will be more than before. He asks if she wanting this level of intensity and if she feels comfortable with it. Suzie asks questions and Danny clarifies her concerns. She feels confident knowing exactly what will happen, and both of them are on the same page about what comes next. Her consent is based on a full understanding of what is involved, and she is confident in her decision. This is informed consent. Suzie has all the details needed to make an informed choice and is comfortable moving forward.
Next, consent must be enthusiastic. A simple “yes” is not always enough. Look for clear verbal agreement and positive engagement that shows genuine excitement about participating in the specific activities.
Not Enthusiastic (Done Wrong):
Danny and Suzie agree to a scene involving a St. Andrew’s Cross. Danny asks, “Are you up for some time on the cross?” Suzie responds with a flat, “Um, I guess.” Her tone is flat, her body language is unengaged, and she does not engage much pre-scene. As Danny secures her to the cross, she remains quiet and just there. Afterward, she feels disconnected and unsure about how she feels. This is not enthusiastic consent. Suzie did not actively express her excitement or desire to participate in the scene.
Enthusiastic (Done Right):
Before the scene, Danny and Suzie talk about using the St. Andrew’s Cross. Suzie responds with clear excitement, saying, “That sounds amazing! I cannot wait!” During the scene, Suzie actively participates by giving positive responses both verbally, “That feels good!” and her body language shows enthusiasm and engagement the entire time. Afterward, Suzie feels fulfilled and energized by the experience. This is enthusiastic consent.
Finally, consent needs to be specific. Saying “yes” to one thing does not mean saying “yes” to something else. Agreement should be given for each specific activity and boundary.
Not Specific (Done Wrong):
Danny and Susie agree to a spanking scene. Danny asks if he can spank her, and Susie says yes. During the scene, while spanking her, Danny lets his hand linger on her backside, then begins sliding it between her legs. Susie freezes. She had only agreed to be spanked, not to be touched in a sexual way. She feels violated and unsure how to react. This is not specific consent, it is assault. Danny added sexual contact that was never part of the agreement and this sadly all too common IRL.
Specific (Done Right):
Before the scene, Danny asks Susie if she wants a spanking scene, and Susie says yes. Danny follows up by asking if it is alright for him massage the impact points on her backside between swats, and whether she is open to more sexual contact during the scene. Susie says no to anything sexual but says massaging her backside is fine if it stays nonsexual. Danny confirms that he understands and repeats her limits back. During the scene, Danny keeps all contact exactly where they agreed. Susie feels secure, heard, and satisfied. This is specific consent. There are no assumptions, no grey areas, and no overstepping.
Consent must never be assumed. It must be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. Each part is essential. If any one of them is missing, then consent is not present. The standards are not complicated, and they are not optional. They must be followed every time, without exception.